I struggled for a very long time to distinguish between codependency and love. I believed that if we truly love someone, we would prioritize their needs over our own and work to ensure that they are happy.
True, love is a selfless emotion. Children require more of us than we do, so their needs must come first. We won’t allow our infant to suffer from hours of nighttime hunger sobbing because we want to sleep. When we are exhausted or would rather be doing something else, we will drive our kids to their activities. Part of what it means to love our children is to behave responsibly as a parent.
However, we may be codependent if we consistently prioritize the needs of the other person over our own health or well-being in adult relationships. Read on to discover how to break codependency habits and enjoy fulfilling, healthy relationships if you’d like to stop being dependent on others.
Table of Contents
About Codependency
Codependence is a learned behavior. When we are young, we closely observe our parents’ behavior. If our mother or father struggled with setting boundaries, was constantly the martyr, could never say “no,” and had unhealthy communication styles, we most likely picked up on these traits and brought them into our intimate relationships.
Parents who are emotionally distant from their children are more likely to raise codependent children. As adults, they frequently find themselves in relationships where their partner is emotionally unavailable, but they continue because they believe they can change the person. They won’t give up believing that things will get better one day, no matter what.
Unconsciously, we wish that the other person would feel all the love we show and decide to make a change. We think we can finally find the love we want if we just keep trying and offer our love, compassion, and support. This way of thinking is harmful. If our partner has a history of being physically or emotionally abusive, it is especially risky.
The worst part is when we are unaware of what is happening and continue to exist in a loveless partnership because we have never discovered what a good partnership entails. Because codependents don’t think they are deserving of love, they make compromises. They frequently find themselves the victims of their partner’s verbal, emotional, physical, and even sexual abuse.
Codependent individuals frequently look to other people or things to make them feel better. They establish unhealthy relationships while trying to “fix” the other party. A person with codependency tendencies might be in an intimate relationship with someone who struggles with addiction and is consequently emotionally unavailable.
![Codependency](https://www.theperfectideas.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/12/codependency2.jpg)
How to Tell If You’re Codependent
The first step to independence in a relationship that you suspect may be codependent is to stop looking at the other person and start looking at yourself.
You might be codependent if you concur with the following statements.
- You tend to be drawn to those you can sympathize with and help.
- The actions of others make you feel accountable.
- In the relationship, you go above and beyond what is required to maintain harmony.
- Being left behind or left alone scares you.
- You feel culpable for your partner’s fulfillment.
- To feel good about yourself, you must have other people’s approval.
- You find it challenging to adapt to change.
- You have trouble making decisions and frequently doubt your abilities.
- You are hesitant to put your faith in other people.
- The feelings and thoughts of those around you have an impact on your mood.
Examples of Codependency
Here are some examples of what a codependent relationship might look like:
In parent-child relationships it can involve:
![parents](https://www.theperfectideas.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/12/parents.jpg)
- Doing everything for an adult child who should be independent
- Getting a sense of meaning or purpose from financially supporting an adult child
- Never allow a child do to anything independently
- Dropping everything to care for a parent
- Neglecting other responsibilities and relationships to respond to parents’ demands
- Never talking about problems in family relationships or behaviors
In romantic relationships it can involve:
- Investing a lot of energy and time into caring for a partner with an alcohol or substance abuse problem
- Making excuses or covering for the other person’s bad behavior
- Neglecting self-care, work, or other relationships to care for your partner
- Enabling a partner’s destructive or unhealthy behavior
- Not allowing your partner to take responsibility for their own lives
- Not allowing your partner to maintain their independence
Why It Happens
Codependency is acquired by observing and modeling similar behavior in other family members. It is frequently transmitted from one generation to the following. Therefore, a child who witnessed a parent in a codependent relationship growing up may also act in the same way.
In dysfunctional families, where members frequently feel anger, pain, fear, or shame that is denied or ignored, codependency develops. Underlying issues that contribute to the dysfunction may involve:
- Addiction to drugs, alcohol, work, food, sex, gambling, relationships
- Abuse (physical, emotional, or sexual)
- Chronic physical illness or mental illness
In the family, issues are never addressed. Codependent people don’t acknowledge that there are problems. In an effort to help the struggling member of the family, family members suppress their emotions and ignore their own needs.
The person who is abusive, ill, or addicted receives all of the focus and effort. In order to care for the struggling family member, the codependent person typically puts all of their own needs on the back burner. Due to their disregard for their own welfare, safety, and well-being, they frequently suffer social, emotional, and physical repercussions.
Risk Factors and Characteristics
While anyone could end up in a codependent relationship, there are some things that make it more likely. Researchers have identified several factors that are often linked with codependency:1
- Lack of trust in self or others
- Fear of being alone or abandoned
- A need to control other people
- Chronic anger
- Frequent lying
- Poor communication skills
- Trouble making decisions
- Problems with intimacy
- Difficulty establishing boundaries
- Trouble adjusting to change
- An extreme need for approval and recognition
- A tendency to become hurt when others don’t recognize their efforts
- An inclination to do more than their share all the time
- A tendency to confuse love and pity
- An exaggerated sense of responsibility for the actions of others
According to studies, codependency is prevalent in adults who were raised by parents who struggled with substance abuse, who have children who have behavioral issues, who live in chronically stressful family environments, and who provide care for the chronically ill. Women are more likely to be codependent than men.
Codependent relationships are also more common among people in helping professions. The prevalence of codependency among nurses is thought to be between one-third and fifty percent. For the benefit of their patients, nurses frequently have to put their own feelings aside and exhibit empathy.2 They may also seek personal validation in the care they provide for others, which can have an impact on their personal lives.
Identifying Codependent Relationships
While codependency isn’t something that shows up in a lab test or a brain scan, there are some questions that you can ask yourself to help spot codependent behavior.1
- Are you driven to lend a hand to others?
- Do you attempt to dictate what happens and how others ought to act?
- Do you find it difficult to let things unfold naturally and accept people for who they are?
- Are you embarrassed by who you are?
- Do you make an effort to exert control over others and events through threats, coercion, threats, advice-giving, manipulation, or dominance?
- Asking for assistance from others may be difficult for you.
- Do you feel compelled or obligated to assist others in finding solutions to their problems (i.e., offering advice)?
- Do you frequently mask your true emotions?
- Do you refrain from discussing your issues aloud?
- Do you try to block out unpleasant thoughts and emotions?
- Do you criticize and blame yourself?
If the majority of these questions are answered in the affirmative, codependent behavior patterns in your relationships may be present. Learning how to stop being codependent requires understanding these patterns, which is a crucial first step.
![relationship](https://www.theperfectideas.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/12/relationship.png)
10 Codependency Habits & How to Break Them
Although it will take work, codependency habits can be broken.
If you’ve found yourself stuck in a cycle of codependency, consider the following ten habits and how to overcome them, so you can stop being codependent:
1. Focusing Your Attention and Time on Others
When you are codependent, you put all of your time and energy into making your partner happy, even to the point of sacrificing your own needs and desires.
How to break it:
You must start by putting your own needs first if you want to learn how to break codependency habits.
If someone asks you to do something that is outside of your comfort zone, stop feeling bad about expressing your opinion or sticking to your values.
2. You Need to Control the Situation
You jump in to help others, not because they have asked you to, but because you need to control the situation
Let’s say your relationship is mired in a cycle of codependent actions. Then, even if your partner hasn’t asked for your assistance, you probably feel compelled to take charge of any circumstance that causes them difficulty or unhappiness.
This implies that you are constantly rushing to their aid to solve their issues.
How to Break It:
You must take a backseat in codependent relationships, let people handle their own problems, and wait until they ask you for assistance. You must concentrate on your issues and seek solutions.
Help yourself first.
3. You Never Share Your Feelings
Keep in mind that codependent individuals frequently lack a sense of self and sacrifice their own needs, desires, and opinions in order to appease others.
Codependents are also prone to suppressing their emotions because they would rather concentrate on others.
How to Break It:
You must be willing to be open and honest with the people in your life if you want to stop acting in a codependent manner.
When you are vulnerable, those who genuinely care about you will be open to listening to your feelings.
4. You Can Never Say No
People who are interested in learning how to overcome codependency probably find it difficult to say no. Saying no causes them to feel bad about themselves because they base their sense of self-worth on pleasing others.
How to Break It:
Setting boundaries is crucial if you want to stop engaging in codependent behaviors and this describes you. Instead of always saying, “Yes,” it is critical that you learn to turn down requests for your time or energy if you cannot give any more of yourself.
It is always okay to say, “Although I appreciate your consideration, I’m currently overloaded.”
5. You Feel An Intense Need to Care for Other People
You exhibit typical codependent behavior if you feel the need to take care of other people, such as your friends or your significant other.
How to Break It:
You need to investigate the reasons behind your strong desire to care for others if you want to get past this and learn how to break codependency habits.
Did you have to take care of your parents or younger siblings when you were a kid? Additionally, have you seen your parents or other adult role models exhibiting codependency behaviors?
You need to take care of others can be addressed and codependency can be overcome by exploring the root of your need.
6. You Feel Responsible for Rescuing Loved Ones
If you have this mentality, you must alter it if you want to stop being codependent. Recognize that you are not liable for the misdeeds or issues of adults.
Let’s say a friend, sibling, or loved one keeps getting into trouble, whether it be with the law or with money. You are not required to save them each time in that case.
How to break it:
While doing so might give you a sense of accomplishment, in the long run, you are only doing them harm by saving them every time things don’t go their way.
You must realize that you are not a hero charged with the duty of saving those who are close to you. If someone needs your assistance, wait for them to come to you.
7. You Move from One Codependent Relationship to Another
It’s not unusual for codependent people to cycle through different relationships, which can lead to a pattern that makes it difficult to break.
Because this is the pattern of behavior you are familiar with, you may be in a codependent friendship that ends badly before moving on to a codependent romantic relationship.
How to Break It:
If you want to change this, you must consciously work to end the codependency cycle in all of your future relationships. Lay out some guidelines and draw some boundaries.
For your own benefit, end that relationship if you believe it isn’t working.
8. You Become Obsessed With People
Keep in mind that codependency tends to involve a lack of self-awareness, which makes it difficult for you to distinguish yourself from others.
If so, you need to understand the difference between love and obsession. You develop an obsession with your partner when you are in a codependent relationship.
How to Break It:
You want to maintain control over their actions and make sure they are always okay. You must distance yourself from your loved ones in order to break codependent habits.
Develop your interests and the understanding that you can have a good time in life while letting your friends, family, and significant others live their own lives apart from you.
Related Reading: Obsessive Love Disorder: Symptoms, What It is, Causes, Treatment
9. You Don’t Enjoy Anything Without Your Partner
You fall into a cycle of codependency when your partner is the only thing on your mind. Your partner is involved in everything that you find even remotely enjoyable.
Simply put, you don’t want to take care of yourself or be by yourself.
How to Break It:
Consider activities you genuinely enjoy doing, then set aside time to practice them. Perhaps you like to cook or you like to lift weights.
Allow yourself to take some time to enjoy things without your partner, whatever it may be. Rekindle your interests and stop feeling bad for engaging in activities that bring you joy.
10. You Don’t Focus on Yourself Or on Your Needs
This is a typical thought pattern among codependents, but if you want to stop being dependent on others, you must take the time to care for yourself.
How to break it:
By taking the time to unwind, get enough sleep, and take care of your physical and mental needs, you can practice self-care.
This might entail going out for coffee with friends or signing up for a regular yoga class. Whatever it may be, develop the habit of acknowledging your own needs.
Getting Help
However, codependency frequently necessitates medical attention. Talk therapy can be used to treat it. The quality of one’s life can be improved and codependency can be overcome with the help of a variety of therapy treatments, according to research.
Group Therapy
Codependency may be treated with any number of different group interventions. People have the chance to build healthier relationships in a supportive environment thanks to the group dynamic. In group therapy, it’s common to provide constructive criticism and hold people accountable.
Group therapy techniques can differ. Some involve cognitive behavioral therapy, where participants are taught particular skill-development techniques.
The 12-step model is used by other codependency organizations. People learn about their relationship addiction in a manner similar to how other 12-step groups are run. Goals might include enhancing one’s sense of self and their capacity for expression.
Family Therapy
The dysfunctional family dynamics are a focus of family therapy. Family members can learn to improve their relationships by recognizing their dysfunctional patterns.
One of the main objectives of family therapy is frequently improved communication. In therapy, topics that have never been raised in the family may be brought up. It’s possible for the dynamics of the entire family to change when one person makes a change (like quitting drinking or promoting independence).
Cognitive Therapy
Thinking patterns that lead to unhealthy relationship patterns can be targeted with cognitive therapy. For example, an individual who thinks, “I can’t stand being alone,” is likely to go to great lengths to maintain the relationship, even when it’s not healthy to do so. Inconvenient emotions can be tolerated and irrational thoughts can be changed during therapy sessions.
Changing the other person’s behavior in a positive way and enabling them to take more ownership of their own decisions are likely to be the objectives.
As most codependent people model their relationships after those they witnessed growing up, treatment may delve into a person’s early years. Someone may benefit from therapy if they want to reconnect with their emotions and feel a range of emotions once more.
Final Words
Consult a professional if you believe you are codependent in your relationship and you are having trouble bringing about change. You can start by discussing how to stop being codependent with your physician or you can get in touch with a mental health expert directly.
Consider online therapy if you are hesitant to attend a group or if you don’t feel comfortable speaking to a therapist in person. Through video, live chat, or message on one of your electronic devices, you can communicate with a therapist in the comfort of your own home.