“Coming out” by telling people about your orientation can be a liberating and exciting experience. When you’re coming out to a parent, it can also be confusing, emotional, and occasionally frightening.
We’ve put together a guide to coming out to a parent or guardian at any age, regardless of your orientation, so that you don’t feel pressured to do so. However, if you feel safe and ready, please read it.
Remember that there’s no “right way” to come out. This manual isn’t a prescription you have to follow; it’s just here to help you prepare for and process coming out. Come out in a way that is comfortable and safe for you.
Table of Contents
Deciding To Come Out To Your Parents
Informing someone you are gay, lesbian, bisexual, transgender, or queer will feel natural and comfortable with some people in your life, but it might feel like a game-changer with others.
This page offers ideas for coming out to parents, because this usually feels like one of those “big deal” moments. However, using these suggestions can help you consider how to approach conversations about your sexual orientation or gender identity with others, whether at work, school, or with friends.
One question we ask parents on this website is, “knowing what you know today, would you want your child to ‘stay in the closet’?” The answer over and over is “No.” But that doesn’t mean there wasn’t a battle before acceptance.
We will therefore assist you with coming out, how to respond to different reactions, and resources for both you and your parents.
Before You Have The Conversation
Your Comfort And Safety Matter Most
Unless you want to, you are not required to come out.
A lot of how queerness is discussed centers on “coming out of the closet.” However, it’s crucial to keep in mind that your orientation is still valid even if you choose not to come out.
You should decide if you are emotionally prepared to come out before you do. You should prioritize your safety above all else.
Sadly, a lot of us don’t grow up in welcoming and accepting homes. If you live with a parent or guardian who isn’t accepting of your orientation, safety may become a serious concern.
If you go to school, work, or live with people who might harm or bully you because of your orientation, you might feel like it’s not safe for you to come out.
Make Sure You Consider The Following
Before you come out to someone, you may find it helpful to ask yourself the following:
- Do you anticipate that they will accept this?
- Can you rely on them to not divulge this information without your consent?
- Do you fear that if you come out to them, they might hurt you?
- How will you respond if they are not receptive? Could you leave your current home, for instance, if you were to suffer harm from a family member? Could you stay away from them if they are someone you go to school with?
- If coming out doesn’t go well, do you have supportive people you could turn to, such as friends, a therapist, or another type of counselor?
You can decide if you feel secure enough to come out by using the following questions.
When You’re Ready To Start Sharing
It can be beneficial to come out to one friend first before telling your family, other friends, and your parent or guardian. In this manner, the first person can be there for you as you come out to others.
It’s best to select a person whose acceptance and encouragement you can be confident in. When you tell others, ask them if they can attend. While you come out to others, they might be able to support you—in person or over text.
You may feel that telling one person you’re gay or lesbian is sufficient at times.
Consider Which Method You’re Most Comfortable With
You could come out in person, via text, via phone call, via social media, or however else feels comfortable for you.
In some circumstances, especially if the person is close to you, you might want to have a formal conversation.
Other times, it’s simpler to casually mention it during a conversation.
For example, you might say, “I’m hanging out with my girlfriend this weekend” or “I’m going to a queer meetup” or “I read this great article about bisexuality” and use it as a segue to coming out.
This may be a less intimidating, more casual way to come out.
Regardless Of The Method, Consider The Time And Location
In certain circumstances, it’s preferable to come out in a private setting (like your own home) because that’s a good setting for a conversation. If you’re a private or shy person, you might also not want other people to overhear it.
In other situations, it might be preferable to have the conversation in a setting that is somewhat public, like a restaurant.
Generally speaking, it’s a good idea to talk to someone in a quiet setting so that you can express your feelings. Make sure the person you’re speaking to is in a quiet environment, has time to listen to you, and can offer support if you’re coming out over the phone.
Texting someone when they’re at work or on vacation is best avoided, even though it can be a great way to come out. It’s possible that they won’t be able to respond favorably to you right away in that situation.
Tips To Get A Better Response From Your Parents
Choose the Right Time and Place Without Distractions
Nowadays, it is uncommon for people to have conversations without multitasking, so it is essential to make sure that your parents are fully present before starting such an important conversation. There should be no other activity that you or your parents are involved in (ex. driving, cooking, watching television, using your phone) when you come out. We also advise against breaking the news to family members during other occasions (like a sibling’s wedding or a holiday dinner with your extended family). There should be respect and silence shown because this is a private and intimate conversation. If they are not fully present, it will be difficult for your parents to fully internalize what you are saying.
Go Easy on Yourself
Coming out doesn’t have to go smoothly because both you and your parents are human. If you feel frustrated or like something didn’t turn out exactly as you had hoped or as you saw it in a movie, try to be gentle with yourself. It’s okay; what matters most is that you deserve to feel loved and supported for who you are, exactly as you are.
Accept That Your Parents’ First Reaction May Not Be What You Had Hoped
Keep in mind that you have had your entire life to accept your sexuality, but it’s possible that your parents didn’t give it much thought before you brought it up to them. It is normal for parents to have preconceived notions or expectations of you, and it might take some time for them to feel at ease with this important new information you have only recently shared with them. Try to put yourself in their position by imagining receiving news from a close friend or relative that completely catches you off guard. Provide them with some time to process the information, and try not to judge them (or feel judged by them) if their initial reaction differs from what you had anticipated.
Tell the Important People Before Telling the World
Before disclosing your sexual orientation or gender on social media, try, if at all possible, to tell your family and close friends. We’ve heard of numerous instances where parents learn their child is gay after someone else notices they’ve changed their Facebook status or uploaded a YouTube video. Family members often take offense and think you don’t value your relationship with them enough to share such sensitive information with them directly. When the news comes from you directly rather than from someone else, parents (and friends) are more likely to react favorably.
Be Very Clear About Who Your Parents Can or Can’t Tell
We have heard many accounts of teenagers becoming upset with their parents for “spilling the beans” about their sexuality or gender identity. It’s important to let the person you confide in know whether or not they can tell other people when you come out to family and close friends, especially if you’re just starting out on your journey. In some cases, people come out to their parents, letting them know they are gay and that they are fine with them telling anyone they want (in many cases, the kids actually prefer this because it eliminates the need for one more potentially awkward conversation). In other cases, however, people want to have complete control over who knows what they have long considered a secret. The main takeaway is to be very clear about who (if anyone) they are allowed to discuss your sexual orientation or gender with because you cannot expect your parents to read your mind. This includes younger siblings and family members from a parent’s previous marriage.
Ensure for Your Own Safety and Well-Being
We advise waiting to come out until you are independent from your family if you believe that your parents will react poorly based on their previous comments or attitudes toward the LGBTQ community, to the point where they won’t allow you to live in their home as an LGBTQ teenager. This is particularly true if your parents have a history of verbally or physically abusing one another. The first priority should always be your own security. You can always “test the waters” to gauge how your parents feel about other people in the LGBTQ community before you begin talking to them about this.
Make sure you have a backup plan if you can’t wait to come out but aren’t sure if you’ll be safe after telling your parents. This entails researching LGBTQ shelters in your area, calculating how much money you’ll need to save to live independently, and getting in touch with friends and responsible adults. Make sure you are aware of who to contact if you require temporary housing or emotional support.
Empathize with Your Parents
Given that they may have little to no experience with gay people in general, it may be challenging for your heteronormative parents to know how to raise a gay child in the best possible manner. The hardest job in the world is being a parent, and your parents might not have peers they can ask for parenting advice from like they did in the past. Even parents who have the best intentions will frequently “get their lines wrong” and say something unintentionally offensive and hurtful. When that occurs, try to have a calm conversation with them in which you explain what you need to hear from them and how they can help you feel loved and accepted by the family rather than reacting angrily. In our experience, many parents do have unwavering love for their kids, but they aren’t always able to communicate that love in a way that is understandable.
Focus on the Positives from the Outset
Always make sure that your announcement that you are gay comes from a place of love rather than from resentment or anger. It might even be a good idea to start the conversation by letting them know that you are telling them this because you love them, want to be closer to them, and want them to get to know and understand you better. It’s not a good idea to express your own skepticism or worries about being gay during this first conversation with your parents because doing so will probably only increase their worries and give the impression that you aren’t completely sure your news is true. We have found that parents often try to “talk their children out of being gay” as a first response so a good way to avoid that is by using a positive and affirming tone when you are discussing this with them.
Advice For Parents
Remember that you don’t need to be totally ready at this time if your child has come out to you. Giving your child a sense of love and support is the most crucial thing. The importance of your acceptance is highlighted by the fact that LGBTQ+ youth are more likely to experience mental health issues, such as suicidal thoughts and actions. It matters if parents respond favorably.
Here are some ways you can support your child after they come out:
Listen
Try your best to ignore all interruptions for the moment, including your own worries, and pay attention to what your child is saying. Validate how much you appreciate your child opening up to you by saying things like, “I’m here for you, thank you for trusting me” or asking open-ended support questions like, “how can I support you?” or “how are you feeling?”.
Be Understanding
Keep in mind that your child is confiding in you at a vulnerable time and is seeking your acceptance and support. Additionally, they might have been struggling or having doubts about their identity for some time. Make eye contact, repeat what they say, and express empathy to show that you understand what they are saying.
Accept Them
Your child remains yours. Remind yourself that thoughts like “I don’t know anything about my child” or “what else have they been keeping from me?” are worry thoughts. You have the chance to demonstrate to your child that they still have your unwavering support no matter what while they are here and actively conversing with you.
Notice Your Own Emotions
Noticing and labeling your own emotions can help you manage them, rather than
express them to your child. If you are experiencing fear or anxiety, keep in mind that your child needs to see and hear acceptance and love from you. Reach out for support after the conversation (to a therapist, a friend, or a co-parent) or use healthy coping skills to take care of yourself and your feelings as well.
Let Go Of The Need To Be Perfect
A parent who is present, loving, and accepting is much more valuable to a child than
one who says and does everything perfectly. There is no perfect parenting strategy or perfect response. Just keep in mind the purpose of expressing acceptance, and approach it with compassion and open-mindedness. You can even model this with statements such as, “I don’t know much about pansexuality, but I want to learn more and support you”.
Final Thoughts
Although coming out to parents can be difficult, in the right situations, it can also be worthwhile in the long run. Coming out to your parents can make it easier for you to be yourself around them if they are accepting and validating of your identity or are curious to learn more about it.
Unfortunately, parents are not always prepared or do not always possess the necessary abilities to be encouraging and accepting. Therefore, you should only come out to them when you are ready and feel secure enough to do so. You deserve to feel loved, supported, and validated because your mental health and wellbeing are top priorities. There are many individuals and groups out there waiting to accept you for who you are, even if you haven’t yet discovered them.